Head Games


(S across the table on our fancy spring break dinner)

Last week was spring break. Though S was out of school, he still had to work. Well, for the Cox’s, Birthday Season has begun. We celebrated Micah’s on Tuesday, and S’s dad’s birthday on Wednesday of last week. On both occasions, S had to work.

On Micah’s birthday (we went to his grave and then to dinner), I was (understandably, I think) preoccupied. It is strange that he should have turned 19, yet he is forever 17 in my mind. Though it was difficult to acknowledge, I am glad we got together on that day.
My father-in-law’s birthday was more lighthearted. We had Mexican food and two different kinds of cake.

When we were about to sit down and eat tacos, I had this odd thought.
Where was I supposed to sit?

The Cox’s are the farthest from ‘assigned seating’, so it’s really a silly thing to wonder.  It had just hit me all of a sudden that I was with S’s family, without S.
I had been fine up until that point. Enjoying myself, talking, feeling definitely not-weird.
So I whispered this ridiculous confession to my sister-in-law. She smiled and she said, “It’s all in your head.

She was right.
I knew it immediately, and whatever strange thing had come over me, vanished.

I don’t know what it was. Nothing happened. I guess it just hadn’t occurred to me that it could be weird to be with them without S. Then, when I realized it was a possibility, I was looking for it, maybe?
I mean, I know I’m a little crazy, but seriously – that’s completely unnecessary.

It did make me wonder how often the things I feel or seem to experience, are things that exist only for me. In other words, how often is it only in my head?
Thoughts can take us to some intense places. I wonder how often false thoughts – crazy ideas – effect our relationships, our interactions with other people.

I’ve always had people I could tell these crazy thoughts to, people who are kind enough to tell me that it’s all in my head (and still like me afterwards).
Do you ever open yourself to the idea that part of our experiences are all in your head?

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