(My quiet lunch – fresh salad, a book, and Katie sunbathing in front of the door)
You know what sucks? When friendships end.
The last two years have seen some astoundingly bad luck when it comes to friendships. I seem to have lost all but two, neither of whom live in the same state as me.
The worst friend-breakup was over the summer. After years of investment, it ended poorly. To be honest, it left me with a rather bad taste in my mouth.
I’ve had a lot of interesting losses in the last two years – death, separation, and ending of friendships.
I say ‘interesting’ because I can’t really think of a better word. It has sucked. Yet I’ve grown. It hurt me tremendously. Yet I’ve seen a lot of positive changes in myself and in my life because of what’s happened.
Sometimes, people kind of suck.
In their own searching and striving and failing and reaching, they can disappoint.
Even though I have felt more anger in the last two years than any other period of my life, I can say that I don’t blame them. People are people. They don’t try to suck. They are on their own paths with their own struggles and worries and fights and scars. They are growing and changing, too. Just because all I know and feel is my own reaction, doesn’t mean they don’t hurt just as much.
I have learned to accept this.
I have not enjoyed the lesson.
After that last and final disappointment over the summer, I sealed myself off. I needed time to recover.
I have gotten to know and love S’s family. I have stayed close to my family. But no friends. I was not ready to open myself up.
Finally, in early January, I decided it was time to move on. Things happen. It is what it is.
I’ve ventured out of my standoff-ish-ness slowly, cautiously. A little more smiling. An attempt at striking up a conversation. Accepting invitations and actually participating.
It’s been refreshing.
I’ve had some real and honest conversations that have left me feeling full, and safe despite my vulnerability.
Sometimes, people suck. But they’re worth it. We need each other.